


I'm Sorry for My Actions (or am I?)

by AmyPants



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Original Character(s), Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:21:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24248719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyPants/pseuds/AmyPants
Summary: May Waters had only been interning at the BAU for a few weeks before being called on her first ever case, but will her rocky past serve to help the team with a difficult case before anyone else gets hurt? She might even learn how to find strength in her troubles on the way, with the help of a very persistent genius.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	1. Part 1 - A Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! Before we begin, I just want to preface this by stating that this is only my second work of fiction ever written, and so there may be some errors - feel free to point them out if this is the case, and I'll try to fix them. ngl, I've just been binge-watching Criminal Minds throughout quarantine, and wanted to write a lil story while I'm at it. This is meant to be a fluffy spencer/OC story, but it can be read as Spencer/Reader as there are no real defining characteristics, just a heavy backstory - it can also possibly be read as platonic if that's your jam as well.  
> This is set around season 9, with no spoilers, and before JJ's major arc (and obviously without spencer's storyline with Maeve), just for clarification.

May Waters had only been interning at the BAU for a few weeks before being called on her first ever case.

The initial month beforehand was spent poring over old case files and being dragged to copious meetings about conduct codes and classified information, which made the young woman’s brain feel like a sponge filled with concrete. She spent all of her free time at her temporary desk in the BAU precinct at Quantico, drowning in recent solved cases, and trying to understand JJ’s brief but meticulous introduction to being a media liaison – the job May had been working for since she watched the blonde woman on her television, providing a beacon of truth about the murders in her hometown many years ago.

Since that moment, May had stuck her head inside books about profiling and the FBI in general – anything to get away from the reality she was living after a serial killer had ravaged her small hometown in Ohio ruining her parent’s marriage, and leaving her an only child for the first time in her life. 

The young intern had yet to speak openly to the rest of the team in the unit, she was anxious, doubtful of her abilities to follow in Jareau’s footsteps as a media liaison, even though the elder had now moved on to being a full-time profiler. The rest of the BAU was welcoming, but they had their own niches already claimed on the team; Spencer as the brains, Morgan as the brawn, Penelope as the tech-wizard, and so on – it was hard to add a new face to the family. 

And so, May kept her head down, although it was admittedly hard, being placed straight across from the un-biasedly gorgeous Doctor Reid. The intern had read up on each of the BAU’s core members before beginning her job, and she was in awe of how much the man had achieved at such a young age. However, she still refused to say more than the occasional ‘good morning’ to the friendly agent, afraid her own traitorous mind would make her say something to embarrass herself in the eyes of a certified genius – May had barely passed calculus in high-school, before moving on to literature and media communications in college. 

This would be the first case that May was to physically attend; Hotch expected her to shadow Agent Jareau in her duties, and be as inconspicuous as possible whilst the rest of the team worked to figure out a profile for the Sherriff, who had invited them to assist in the investigation.

The case the team had been called to attend was gruesome, three teenagers from a small town in Illinoi had been killed so far, all in different ways, with only a distinct MO at the scene to connect the murders. The unit had flown to the area in silence, everyone heavily focused on their tablets, filled with the information Garcia had provided.


	2. Part 2 - Saviour Complex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team is stumped on the connection between victims, but May realises, it takes on to know one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! Just a quick warning that there are some heavy self-harm related themes in this chapter (and a few more references in further chapters) - please be careful if you're suscptible to be triggered by these mentions.

**Part 2**

“So, looking at the four bodies so far, we can see that there’s not much of a link between the victims, apart from the note left behind, which all contain the same message – ‘ _I’m sorry.’”_ Agent Hotchner stood stoically in front of the case-board set up in the small office crammed with the BAU team.

May sat quietly in the furthermost corner of the room, staring at the photographs of the victims in deep concentration.

“The first victim had obvious self-inflicted scars on her forearms and upper thighs, but none of the other victims seem to show the same scars, so that rules out some sort of sexual fantasy for the unsub. All of the victims were killed in different ways, but everything points to a single attacker for each victim, and the notes left behind lead us to believe it’s the same guy,” Morgan’s voice was straightforward, stating the facts that the team had come up with when faced with the evidence given by the local sheriff’s office on arrival.

A fourth body had been discovered about an hour prior to the current meeting, and everyone was stumped.

“I wish our boy wonder was here right now – How far away is he, Hotch?”

“He was visiting his mother in Vegas when we got the call and was on the jet within the hour, so he should be arriving any minute now.” Hotch’s statement made the room breathe a small sigh of relief; the young genius would definitely be able to shed some light on the situation.

During the discussion about the doctor, May had continued to focus on the photographs tacked onto the case-board, trying to find some sort of missing link that the others may have missed regarding the case.

A moment passed in silence, the entire BAU team now reverting their gaze back to the board, joining May in the search for clues. Behind them, the door creaked open, revealing the tall, lanky frame of Dr Spencer Reid.

“Hey guys, so I was looking over the information on the plane, and I think I might have found a connection –”

“He was saving them.” Spencer was cut off by a small voice emanating from the corner of the room. May looked around in confusion, until she realised that the voice was actually hers.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I said that out loud. I’ll shut up now.” May busied herself with her files, trying to hide her burning cheeks underneath layers of hair and her oversized glasses.

“No, continue Ms Waters, I wouldn’t mind a fresh perspective on this – Reid can wait to share.” Hotch, glad the intern was finally speaking up in front of the team, gently prompted her on, shooting the young doctor a soft glance, imploring him to stop talking and let the young girl continue.

“Um, I just…” May looked towards JJ, who nodded her approval with a small smile. May took a deep breath and continued, “I don’t think the unsub is killing out of anger, I think he is killing these people because he believes that he is helping them.”

Morgan was intrigued. “What makes you think that, kid?”

“Well, Hotch – I’m sorry, Agent Hotchner, said that only the first victim showed signs of cutting, but I think all of these victims are displaying various forms of self-harm,” May was now caught up in her theory, walking towards the case-board and pointing at the gruesome photographs as she explained. “See, we know victim two was beaten to death, but the bruises at the tops of her thighs are a different shade and size to the rest of her wounds. I think she made these bruises herself – they’re only on the tops of her thighs, and they’re a lot lighter and smaller than a man’s hand would make.

“So you’re saying Suzy Bartelle gave herself those bruises?’ JJ was interested in May’s theory, somewhat understanding where the younger girl was coming from.

“Yes, exactly”

“What about the unknown branding on victim three’s arms and stomach, then?” Hotch suggested.

“It’s not a brand, it’s a paperclip.” May’s voice shook, her traitorous mind reminding her why the burns looked so familiar.

“A paperclip?”

“Yes, I believe he used a paperclip to give himself those burns, well before the unsub decided to intervene.” May stood and moved to the front of the room, finally allowing herself to face the board up close. “and the latest victim, they were found boiled alive?”

Hotch joined May at the case board, looking over the detailed photos of the fourth victim, found stripped naked in a metal tub, suspended over a rudimentary fire pit.

“Yes, cause of death was considered organ failure due to the heat” Hotch supplied.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the victim already had signs of harm by boiling water before the attack” May mumbled more to herself than to her superior. “We could ask the parents if they took suspiciously long showers, or if their water bill was unusually high in recent months?”

Hotch took a step back, joining the rest of the team, who were finally connecting the clues leading to the Unsub’s motives.

“So, the Unsub sees these kids who are struggling with self-harm, and thinks that they just need help finishing the job.” Morgan interjected.

“And he lures them in by pretending to be some sort of supportive figure, maybe a teacher or a therapist?” JJ added.

“Exactly, and then he kills the victims in the same way they used to harm themselves,” May swung around, finally facing the team head-on, still refusing to look into any of their eyes.

“Victim one gets cut up, just like they cut themselves,” Hotch walked along the line of photos on the board, his voice low and serious. “Victim two gets beaten because of their own visible bruises, three gets burnt, and four gets boiled, it all tracks.

Using Hotch’s speech as a distraction, May continued to walk swiftly back to her little corner of the room, head still low, trying to draw as little attention to herself as possible.

“Okay, Reid and JJ interview the victim’s families again, try and find a connection between the kids, maybe someone who they all talked to, like a therapist or a doctor, take Waters with you” Hotch, failing to notice May’s retreat from the front of the room, started to direct the BAU’s next actions.

“Morgan and I will go to the sheriff’s office again and see if there’s any older cases with the same MO that we may have overlooked. Garcia, try and find any potential victims through social media, ones that may have visible scars or known depression. Call if there’s any updates.”

“On it boss,” Garcia’s voice rang out, tinged with the relief that came with any important breakthrough in their tougher cases.

The team split up according to the older man’s directives; JJ and Reid, already fairly close by each other, stood and began to head out of the nearby doors, before JJ suddenly turned, remembering Hotch’s instructions.

“May, you’re with us – don’t worry, all you have to do is follow along and keep your ears open for any clues.” The older woman, maternal as ever, could sense May’s discomfort with the case, and the increased amount of attention already paid to her in the meeting.

May quietly packed her files and placed them in her old, worn duffel; held together with duct-tape and superglue, it was the last physical memory she had of her sister, and so she refused to part with it. Reid, uncharacteristically silent during the meeting, eyed the bag with unrefined interest, but said nothing.


	3. Part 3 - A Lucky Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and May have an important conversation on the way to the first victim's house.

**Part 3**

“Hey, I need to check something over with Hotch before he heads to the sheriff’s office, you and May go ahead, and I’ll meet you at the first victims house.” JJ turned and walked back into the temporary meeting room before Reid could protest, her blonde hair seemingly waving goodbye in her wake.

“Well, it looks like it’s just you and me” The doctor timidly joked, walking towards the waiting car, expecting May to follow.

“I can’t drive.” The intern blurted out, covering her mouth with a quick hand, as though she could somehow swallow the words back in.

“I mean, I don’t have a license. Not like I couldn’t get one, I’m sure I could, but It’s just cars are scary and I get anxious and –”

“Hey, don’t worry, I’ll drive.” Spencer wasn’t used to being on the other end of his characteristic rambling tangents, he found it relieving to know that now he wasn’t the only one on the team who was susceptible to filling awkward silences.

Face flushed with embarrassment, May stooped into the passenger side of the SUV, allowing the doctor to slide into the driver’s seat with practiced ease.

“Did you know that the number of adults without driver’s licenses in the US is actually rising, due to the increased cost of maintaining a vehicle, and the steady reliance on public transportation in most states?” Spencer continued in an effort to ease the younger woman’s embarrassment. “I actually didn’t learn to drive a car until after college.”

“You weren’t _old_ enough to drive until after college,” Came May’s meek reply, eyes fixed on her hands folded neatly in her lap. Spencer chuckled softly and grinned, still focused on the road in front of them.

“I didn’t think you’d know that,” The man smiled. “It’s not something I really brag about.”

“I read up on the team before joining. I didn’t want to seem ignorant.”

Spencer briefly broke his focus on the road to glance at the woman beside him, stiffly perched in the pristine leather seats of the government-issued vehicle.

“After today, I don’t think anyone could believe you would be ignorant.”

“It was just a lucky guess.” May replied, catching spencer’s eye for a moment, before letting her gaze fall back onto her lap again.

Spencer suddenly pulled over onto the side of the road, placing the car in park before turning to the intern with a stern look.

“May, there is a reason you are here. It’s because you have talent. A team of highly trained profilers couldn’t figure out a problem that you solved in less than half of an hour. Don’t swindle your worth down to a _lucky guess_.” Without a pause, Spencer took the car out of park and continued to the first victims house, eyes now fixed firmly on the road in front of him.

May was speechless, she was frozen, staring at the agent beside her. Nobody had talked to her talents in such confidence before this moment, and she was shaken to the core. When the car finally rolled to a stop in front of a classic suburban house a few minutes later, she gently grasped Spencer’s upper arm and whispered a small “Thank you”.

Spencer smiled and nodded at the girl, before opening his car door and stepping out onto a overgrown lawn. May followed suit, carefully storing her duffel under the passenger seat before joining the doctor, and a recently arrived JJ, on the grass.

“I thought you two would make it here before me,” The blonde woman quipped.

“We had to make a small stop along the way,” Spencer replied, glancing at May with a light smile.

The trio made their way up the concrete driveway to a red front door, the paint faded where visitor’s knuckles had knocked for years beforehand. Spencer chose to ring the new high-tech doorbell situated on the frame instead, peering into the attached camera and flashing his identification smoothly.

“Mr and Mrs Jones, I’m sorry to do this, but we have a few more questions about Jamie to ask you.”


	4. Part 4 - I'm Sorry for Your Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first victim's family learns that their son's suicide was actually a murder, and the BAU find out some information that could be helpful in solving the case.

**Part 4**

The door swung open; a gaunt woman draped in black blocking the doorway.

“We’ve told the officers everything we know, they said it was a suicide.”

Spencer moved his focus from the digital camera to the older woman, giving her a sympathetic eye.

“There’s reason to believe that your son was actually murdered ma’am,” He started, before seeing the neighbours’ curtain’s twitch in curiosity out of his peripherals. “It’s probably best if we continue this conversation inside, if we may?”

The woman took a step back from the doorway, gesturing into the hall with her free hand. She called her husband down from his study, and made her way to the modest living room, which was cluttered with boxes and old takeout containers.

“I’m sorry for the mess, we’ve been a bit lost without Jamie around,” She apologised, sitting on the worn canvas sofa, soon joined by her husband. “Eric, these people think Jamie didn’t kill himself, they believe he was murdered.”

May’s skin crawled with the awkwardness of the situation. Here was an obviously grieving family, and the trio had come in to reopen old wounds in the pursuit of the truth. The father looked at the agents in shock.

“We didn’t do anything to our boy, if that’s what you’re implying. We were getting him help.” He bristled.

JJ leant forward, gently placing her hands on the mother’s trembling fingers.

“We know you didn’t hurt your son, Mr Jones,” She reassured. “We are trying to find out who did, we think he’s hurt other children in the area.”

“You said you were getting your son help,” Spencer interjected, trying to uncover more information from the family. “Was that from a psychiatrist or a doctor in any form?”

The mother looked up from her shaking hands.

“He was seeing a local therapist,” She spoke softly. “We found him in the daily newspaper.”

“Do you remember the name of the therapist, Mrs Jones?” JJ inquired.

“Not off the top of my head, but he’s in my contact book, let me go get it,” Mrs Jones stood and made her way swiftly up the stairs, in search for the diary.

“You really think my kid was murdered?” Mr Jones asked the agents, an apprehensive look gracing his aged face.

“We don’t know for certain yet, but we believe the person behind your son’s death may have also been behind the death of three other teenagers in the area.” Spencer supplied, perhaps too bluntly.

The older man broke down for the first time since the agents had entered the home, his hands searching for a spare tissue from the overcrowded coffee table. May found a box of tissues on the nearby fireplace mantle, and offered it to the desolate man in front of her, who thanked her before hiding his face in the soft paper.

Spencer glanced at the young intern, trying to determine if the situation was too much for such a new member of the team; he remembered his first interview with a victim’s family, it was a lot to handle. If the young woman was uncomfortable, her demeanour didn’t show it. Her eyes were set firmly on the father, eyebrows furrowed in sympathy.

The mother returned from her trip upstairs, a bright blue address book now grasped tightly in her thin hands.

“His name is Dr Michael Morrow, but I don’t have his address anymore, Jamie used to drive himself there.” Her voice faltered on the mention of her late son’s name.

JJ and Spencer stood, thanking the couple and shaking their hands before making their way to the front door. May followed behind, pausing at the mother’s tear-soaked faced before gathering her in a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Mrs Jones, you will get through this, I know you will.” She mumbled into the woman’s shoulder. Mrs Jones gripped the younger girl tightly in return and murmured her gratitude into the intern’s shoulder. When the pair broke apart, Jamie’s father reached for his wife, allowing her to lean into his loving embrace, finding support in each other once again. The FBI trio then finally left the house, making their way to the SUV parked in the driveway.

“I’m sorry, I know that wasn’t very professional of me,” May started to apologise to the two agents next to her.

“Don’t worry May, sometimes professionalism needs to be ignored for the sake of humanity.” JJ replied, shooting a warm smile to the younger woman. Spencer watched the interaction before making his way towards the driver’s side of the vehicle.

“Hey Spence,” JJ called out to the genius. “I’m driving.” She chuckled as he threw a grumpy look in her direction before moving to the passenger side. May smiled before entering the backseat behind JJ, catching Spencer’s eye in the rear-view mirror. His reflecting winked at her, mirroring her smile on its own face before disappearing in search for the seatbelt buckle.


	5. Part 5 - She Was Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second victim's family find out some unfomfortable news about their deceased daughter.

**Part 5**

JJ pulled the car up to the next address on their list, the house where the Bartelle’s lived, sans their youngest daughter, Suzy. The information from the police interviews before the BAU’s invitation to the case stated that Suzy Bartelle, the second victim, found beaten to death, was a straight A student on her way to an ivy-league school in the fall.

Spencer and JJ lead the way to the run-down front door, May trailing behind, trying to make herself seem as inconspicuous as possible.

Suzy’s parents were older than May had assumed, already into their late 60’s, and it was quite obvious that neither parent had the expendable income to retire as of yet. The young victim must have been one of the first in her family to attend a college, and would have had to have been offered a hefty scholarship to afford even going in the first place.

The couple lead the agents into their crowded living room, the minimal furniture sporting holes and mediocre repair jobs one could only assume they did themselves.

“So you believe that the person who hurt my poor Suzy has done it to other children as well?” Suzy’s mother asked; she was a large woman with a warm air about her, May wished she was lucky enough to have had a mom like this.

“Yes Ma’am, we think there’s been at least three other victims so far,” Reid started.

“Were they all beaten too?” Suzy’s father interrupted. He was unapologetically blunt, tired of the constant careful wording around Suzy’s brutal ending that the police insisted on using when they talked to the couple before the BAU’s involvement.

Reid was grateful for the candour, the doctor usually found it easier to speak in facts, rather than emotions.

“No,” he began. “The other possible victims were all killed from different causes, but the note left behind was the same for everybody.”

“I’m sorry.” The mother recited, solemnly.

“Yes,” Reid replied. “But we now believe that the note the suspect wrote was not an apology from themselves, but rather an apology from the victim – sorry, your daughter.”

“I’m sorry to ask this, but is there a chance Suzy was harming herself, Mr and Mrs Bartelle?” JJ asked, carefully.

The Bartelle’s reacted harshly, taking offence from JJ’s apparent accusation.

“Our daughter would have no reason to harm herself, agent,” Suzy’s mother began, shortly, “She was headed to great things, she was loved.”

JJ was somewhat taken aback by the outburst, not expecting such a heated reaction.

A beat passed before May spoke, quietly, from the corner of the room.

“You can be loved and still be sad, Mrs Bartelle,” She stated, calmly. “It’s not a reflection on you or her home life if she did, indeed, hurt herself. The brain is a complex organ, it doesn’t always make sense.”

“It’s true, many studies have concluded that there is very little correlation between people diagnosed clinical depression and their upbringing. In fact, the main cause of depression is purely a physical lack of serotonin produced by the body, kind of like diabetics and their inability to produce insulin –” Reid started to ramble, but was quickly cut off with a sharp look from JJ.

“Mr and Mrs Bartelle, did Suzy ever wear shorts in the summer?” May asked, cautiously.

“Well, yes, sometimes,” Suzy’s mother replied. “But she didn’t have any cuts or scars on her, we would have seen them.”

May nodded her agreement before continuing.

“Did she have a lot of bruises on her legs, maybe she told you that she was pretty clumsy and bumped into things often?”

Mays father looked at his wife through furrowed brows.

“She did have a fair few bruises from gym class at school,” he spoke softly, trying to understand what May was implying. “I always joked that she had inherited my lack of co-ordination.”

“Are you saying my baby girl made those bruises… on purpose?” The girl’s mother asked, horrified.

May didn’t answer, there was no need to confirm what the parents had just discovered; their perfect little girl was less that just that, perfect.

“Does the name Dr. Morrow sound familiar to you, Mr and Mrs Bartelle?” JJ broke the silence.

Suzy’s mother looked up in surprise at the mention of the Dr’s name.

“Yes, we sent Suzy to him to help with her college applications. We found his flyer in our letterbox last spring.”

“Was there a reason you chose to go to Dr Morrow, instead of another counsellor in the area?” Reid tried to understand the link between both families and the doctor’s business.

“He was the only one we could afford,” Mr Bartelle replied in honesty. “We both work full-time, but we could never pay for those fancy counsellors that the wealthier kids could attend.”

“Thank you, Mr and Mrs Bartelle, I think that’s all we need for now,” JJ stood, Reid following suit. “We’ll make sure to call if there’s any further questions.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Reid apologised, he always hated how there weren’t more words to say how truly sorry he was for the families of the murdered victims they came across.

The agents, and intern, made their way to the car, everyone buckling up in silence. Reid read through the case files on his tablet before breaking the quiet atmosphere.

“The police reports state that the Fitzgerald’s, our third victim’s family, no longer live in this town. According to their neighbours, they couldn’t afford to continue living in their rented apartment without their son’s income, so they’ve moved back to Iowa to live with family.”

“Well, that makes one less stop for us,” JJ stated, typing the final victim’s address into the car’s GPS.


	6. Part 6 - I'm Allergic to Lilies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May's theory is proven correct after the BAU's third interview, and Spencer tries to convey his friendship the best way he knows how, by rambling useless facts about lilies, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for all the angst, and such a slow burn - here's a little spencer fluff to keep you going.

**Part 6**

Pictures of the Moore’s deceased daughter lined the walls in their decaying family home. Every spare countertop was filled with flowers and cards offering their condolences, wilted petals covering the floor and filling the living room with a sickly perfume.

The Moore’s had five children; Ella was the oldest. She was a high-school dropout, working three separate jobs to help the family feed her younger siblings.

“We were sending Ella to a guidance officer, she was gonna try to get her diploma, look for some higher paying jobs, y’know?” Mrs Moore supplied, trying to justify her daughter’s image. “We had to stop when she was let go from the local cinema, we couldn’t afford to see him anymore. Thank god our second oldest just found a job, otherwise we’d be out on the streets without Ella’s help.”

The Moore’s sat so close together on their dishevelled couch that it was hard to tell where one parent ended and the next began. It was obvious they were destroyed by their daughter’s death.

May’s heart ached at the sight of the couple, wanting to glue their family back together, knowing how truly impossible it was to replace a lost child.

“Did the officer call himself Dr. Morrow?” Spencer asked the pair gently.

The sobbing mother just broke down even more, while her husband nodded at the agents through tear-studded eyelashes.

“Okay, and, this might be an unusual question, but did Ella seem to take long showers, or run up a large water bill before she passed?” Spencer continued.

At this, the mother looked up to the genius in confusion.

“How funny of you to ask that, we just got our bill in a mail a few days ago, it was almost double what we usually pay.”

Spencer shared a pointed look with JJ before continuing.

“Did she have any burns on her, ones that might have looked like they were caused by water?”

This time, it was Ella’s father who was the one to reply.

“Ella worked at a fast food joint down the road, it wasn’t uncommon for her to come home with burns from the deep-fryer.”

At this, JJ caught Spencer’s eye again, and subtly nodded her head towards the door, implying it was time to leave and call a meeting with the rest of the unit. The three visitors bade their farewells, taking a few bouquets with them at the insistence of Mrs Moore.

“I can barely breathe with my old smoker lungs as it is, you’d be doing me a favour getting these allergen-magnets out of my home.” She persisted, firmly placing the copious bundles of lilies in Spencer’s hands, after May had shyly refused. Spencer just smiled warmly and thanked the kind woman before following JJ to the car, May trailing behind him.

The perfume of the flowers reminded her of how her own home smelt after the incident. The scent of lilies was so sweet, it was like they taunted her own sadness when she was younger. Why did people always give lilies to families in mourning?

All at once, spencer was in front of her, thrusting the slowly wilting flowers into her hands.

“I’m allergic,” He explained with a small grin, before turning to back towards the car. “Did you know lilies are the most common flower given at funerals. The etymology of the lily is thought to be derived from Greek mythology, and the white ones specifically are used to infer innocence and virtue, hence the reason they’re used for funerals, especially during the loss of a child, and –” Spencer rambled on whilst he climbed into the SUV, May followed behind him, a slight smile gracing her face as she looked down at the bouquet grasped tightly in her calloused hands; maybe lilies weren’t so bad after all.


	7. Part 7 - The Perfect Image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer, JJ, and May, realise the connection between the victims, and find out why it took so long to uncover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this is a v small one, but I just wanted to set up the next half of the story for you :-)

**Part 7**

JJ began driving the car towards the centre of the small town, where the BAU’s temporary office was situated in the back of the Sherriff’s building. The two agents in the front of the car were bouncing ideas off each other regarding the suspected profile of the killer.

“So, all the families were lower income,” Reid stated. “And they all sent their children to the same doctor, but for different reasons.”

“If he’s in need of the work for financial reasons, he may offer many services under the same name – but I don’t understand how the families didn’t make the connection between their kids.” JJ added.

“I think the parents didn’t realise that they all used Dr Morrow in some way or another,” May interjected. “You both saw the Bartelle’s faces when we brought up his name, they were shocked that we knew Suzy went to him. Most of these families didn’t want anybody else to know that their kids needed help, it ruins the perfect family image they try so hard to keep alive.”

Reid nodded in the rear-view mirror.

“I agree, it’s probably a problem with the expected social reactions they might receive if other families found out their kids went to a doctor who specifically advertised to the lower working class,” He added. “We should let Hotch know what we’ve got so far, maybe there’s other families involved with Dr Morrow.”

The JJ drove the dark SUV back to the station while Reid sent a quick text to the rest of the team, informing them that their profile was ready to present.


	8. Part 8 - Doctor Morrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team presents a profile, and the story continues...

**Part 8**

The temporary office was small and cramped, filled with the members of the BAU, sans Garcia, who joined the meeting through video-call from the Quantico headquarters.

Hotch began the proceedings, his face stone-cold, stern voice filling the room with ease.

“The sheriff’s files didn’t show any cold-cases with the same MO, so it looks like this killer must have been triggered by something specific recently – he doesn’t kill without reason.”

The rest of the room nodded in agreement, eyes flicking between their tablets and the tall man in front of them.

“JJ and Reid, you said you may have a rough profile,” The boss stated, looking at the pair stood in the middle of the room. “Are you ready to present it?”

JJ glanced at the man beside her momentarily, wordlessly inviting him to begin their profile. May sat in her usual corner, happy she wasn’t called upon by the tall, fearsome man in the business suit.

“We visited three out of the four families and found out that they all sent their children to the same man, Dr Michael Morrow, all for varying reasons,” The genius began.

“Yes, the Jones’ sent Jamie there for therapy, while the Bartelle’s used him to help Suzy get into college,” JJ added. “And our final victim, Ella Moore, saw him for guidance counselling a few times before they ran out of money to pay for sessions.”

“I assume we would see that the Fitzgerald’s would have sent Matt there for another reason, once we look into it.” Hotch supplied. “Garcia, can you find anything on a Doctor Michael Morrow in the medical register?”

A brief flurry of typing was heard over the phone before Garcia’s tinny voice rang out.

“I can’t see anything for a Doctor Michael Morrow, sir.”

Reid furrowed his brows in deep thought, trying to remember if any of the victim’s parents shared any more vital information they were missing.

“The families said that they all found him through local advertisement methods, could you check the daily newspaper, Ms Garcia?” May’s timid voice found its way through the crowded room, the agents craning their necks back to see who was speaking.

“Miss? Oh darling, you are sweeter than honey fresh from the hive,” Garcia chuckled through the phone, the typing noises continuing underneath her voice. “Got it, a Dr Michael Morrow, practitioner number advertised is #MH457268.”

“Okay baby girl, any chance you can find out who this guy really is?” Morgan asked.

“One second my gorgeous square of dark chocolate, let me work my magic.” Another flurry emanated through the line. “Okay I reverse searched the practitioner number, and it looks like it actually belongs to a Mr Michael Harold, who was suspended from practicing as a psychiatrist due to a load of complaints from parents claiming he was ‘unprofessional’ during sessions.”

“Thank you, Garcia, now we know why he’s changed names, can you find out when he moved to the town – we need to find some sort of reason as to why he’s only begun killing in the past month.”

A moment passed before Garcia’s voice sung out through the room again, her pixelated face failing to hide the array of emotions she was experiencing whilst reading through the suspect’s information.

“Okay, so it looks like our little ex-psych-turned-psycho moved there about a year ago when his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I’m reading through his police record now, and it looks like there’s a fair few reports from his teen years, with neighbours calling the police for domestic disturbances.”

“So he was verbally abusing his mother?” Hotch tried to clarify.

“No, it looks like it’s the other way around, reports say the mother spent almost every night yelling about a failure of some sort, kind of makes you feel sorry for the guy, apart from the whole serial killer thing.”

May leant towards JJ, whispering in her ear, still too embarrassed by her ‘Miss Garcia’ stuff-up to ask another question of the technical analyst.

“Garcia, can you look through Harold’s medical records from just before the police reports began?” The blonde inquired.

“You know I can sweet thing,” Garcia quipped, her fingers moving so fast over her keyboard that the webcam just showed a blur of pale skin and red manicure. “Okay so it looks like our man has a report from when he was seventeen – oh… it’s telling me he was hospitalised for a failed suicide attempt through painkillers, but the mother refused inpatient care and took him home the next day.”

Garcia’s normally chipper mood fell, her voice tinged with sympathy for the suspect’s troubled history.

JJ looked back at her intern, conveying her satisfaction with May’s theory.

“So our Unsub failed to kill himself and his mother taunted him with it for years, until he finally moved away, only to return when his mother fell ill,” Hotch quantified, staring at the case-board with a new understanding. “Garcia, is Michael’s mother still alive?”

“No sir, looks like she passed away…” Garcia’s voice trailed off as her fingers flew across the keyboard in search for the needed information. “… about a month ago.”

A wave of realisation fell across the room as Morgan stated the obvious.

“There’s our trigger,” he articulated, as he swiped through the tablet, filled with the new information Garcia had sent through to the team. “And if he killed the last victim after only a couple of sessions, it sounds like he could be devolving.”

Hotch nodded in agreement, gathering his jacket and tablet.

“Garcia, can you see if he has an online booking system you can get into?” The boss inquired. “See if he has any patients scheduled for today”

“Yes, his security is pretty lacking if you ask me,” The analyst jibed. “It looks like he only has one appointed registered for 3 o’clock this afternoon – a Charlie Grey coming in for drug abuse counselling.”

Hotch turned towards his team, ready to leave the office in pursuit of the suspect.

“It’s 2:45 now, we have to be quick to catch Charlie before Harolds gets to him first. A murmur ran through the room as the rest of the team agreed with their firm leader. The noise in the office rose as the unit gathered their gear and made their way quickly to the fleet of vehicles parked along the roadside, waiting to be driven to the address now gracing each agent’s phone, courtesy of Penelope Garcia’s forward thinking.

Hotch and Morgan filed into the first vehicle, followed by Blake and Rossi in the back seat.

JJ and Reid climbed into a second vehicle, reaching for their Kevlar vests, and checking their guns in anticipation for the confrontation ahead. May held back, not knowing if she was expected to follow suit, before being herded into the backseat of the second vehicle by JJ, who was aware of the intern’s apprehension towards the ordeal.

The sound of wheels screeching assaulted May’s ears before the soft thud of the back door encased the trio in silence, leavened only by the sound of fast breaths leaving the mouths of the agents, adrenaline already coursing through their systems at the idea of catching the killer.


	9. Part 9 - You Can Stay In the Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer doesn't want May to see what happens at the end of a case - she's still too young.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for action in the next chapter!

**Part 9**

The fifteen-minute journey felt like a lifetime to May, who was rigidly sat in her backseat throne, trying to remember the protocol for confrontations with suspected killers – It doesn’t seem like there was one written down anywhere; if there was, she sure as hell couldn’t remember it now.

“Take a deep breath,” Spencer’s voice broke through the young girl’s trance, his eyes finding hers as he twisted around uncomfortably from his front-passenger seat. “You can even stay in the car if you want, you really don’t even need to see this on your first case.”

To be honest, the good doctor didn't want May to see this - the end of any case was always bittersweet, and there was always the chance someone would get hurt. May had only just begun to open up in frot of the rest of the team; would a stand-off scare her away?

May forced herself to fill her lungs and count to ten, before emptying her chest of the carbon dioxide. She repeated the action over and over, until her heart regained a normal rhythm, and not one of a high school marching band with an overenthusiastic metronome.

JJ halted the vehicle behind Hotch’s in the desolate parking lot, immediately opening her door and rushing into the building after the rest of the team, Reid following suit seconds after, not before sending a concerned look to the young intern in the back seat, a kind smile fleeting across his face. May sat for a minute, contemplating the decision to stay safely in the car, or to join her team in taking down the Unsub. A beat passed; she made her choice.


	10. Part 10 - You Need the Help Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The BAU confront the Unsub, with or without their intern.

**Part 10**

“FBI, open up!” Hotch’s commanding voice accompanied his strong body pushing through the office door. The rest of the BAU team filed into the room behind him, guns cocked and ready to fire in case of emergency.

The unsub had a trembling boy gripped tightly in his arms; a silver handgun pressed tightly to his temple.

“Take one more step and I finish him off.” Michael threatened. “You know I’m not bluffing.”

Hotch lowered his gun slightly, keeping his gaze steadfastly on the killer in front of him.

“We don’t want anyone to get hurt, Mr Harold, just let Charlie go, and we can help you.”

The Unsub’s eyes narrowed in anger.

“My name,” he yelled, punctuating each syllable with a wave of his handgun, “is Doctor Morrow!”

The teenager in his arm started sobbing, trying to break free from his captor’s grasp, before freezing with terror when he felt the cold metal touch his temple once again.

“Why can’t you fucking understand that,” The unsub muttered, his stare never faltering from Hotch’s own eyeline. “I went to fucking medical school you asshole.”

Hotch could sense the killer’s breakdown approaching, his concern was now focused purely on getting the young victim out of the way before bullets started flying. A wave of silence coated the room, each agent trying to figure out how to get the deranged suspect to stand down without a death on their hands.

“Doctor Morrow? I need you to look at me and let Charlie go.” May’s small body slid through the crowd of FBI agents surrounding the crazed man.

Spencer moved to hold her back, worried the unarmed girl would be harmed by the unsub in front of them. Hotch shot the doctor a look, wordlessly ordering him to stand down in case it set the killer off.

“What’s it to you, you all just want to shoot my brains out!” The Unsub yelled, pulling the poor teenager closer towards him, burying the metallic barrel of his handgun closer into his hair.

“Look Doctor, I’m not armed, I’m not even an agent,” May held both of her hands up in mock surrender, allowing the unhinged man to see her lack of weaponry. She took another timid step forward, her confidence wavering until she saw the unsub lower his gun slightly.

“Michael, it’s okay, I understand. I know why you’re doing this, you’re helping these kids, you’re not hurting them. I get it.” May spoke softly and evenly, her eyes locked onto the killer’s.

“You don’t understand, none of you do!”

“I do understand Michael, I do. I know what it’s like, the hopelessness. That moment of confusion when you wake up the next day, the disappointment when you realise that you didn’t succeed. The pain, Michael, I understand the pain.”

The unsub took a hard look at the young woman in front of him, her eyes shining with sincerity. He lowered the gun from the young victim’s head and let him run into the arms of a nearby agent Blake, who quickly escorted him away from the scene.

A unanimous sigh of relief rang through the room, everyone glad that the young man was okay.

May suddenly found herself staring down the barrel of the gun instead.

“You,” The killer spoke, pointing the weapon at her accusingly. “You know what I see, why I do it. You need help too.”

Spencer knew what was coming next – this man wouldn’t rest until his work was done. The seasoned agent dove towards the intern, pulling her down to the ground as a shot rang out in alarm. Another shot fired from the same gun, this one successfully connecting with its victim, finally ending the stand-off.


	11. Part 11 - It Still Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer makes sure May isn't hurt, a freudian slip makes May's heart grow.

**Part 11**

Spencer walked out from the office tower after relaying his final statements to the police now on the scene, his eyes scanning the roadside paramedics until they landed on a small brunette, sitting alone on the curb side.

“Are you okay?” The genius asked softly, sitting down next to the girl, who was staring intently at a small ant, making its way across the bitumen.

“Nothing serious, just a few grazes from your tackle, and a bit of shock from the whole situation, I guess.”

“Sorry, I should’ve been a bit gentler with the whole take-down.” Spencer chuckled lightly.

May’s head swung up at the agent’s statement, her eyes wide with concern.

“No, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful, you saved my life!” She started, looking at the doctor’s face for the first time since the ordeal had begun.

“I was kidding, Waters. I’m happy it was the potted plant behind you that he hit, and not your beautiful face.”

May froze for a moment, trying to overlook the fact that _the_ Spencer Reid, genius of the BAU, and her long-time idol, had called her _beautiful_.

“I still can’t believe he shot himself straight after.” She continued, choosing to not bring up the compliment.

Spencer’s eyes softened, this was the part of the job he hated most, when they couldn’t save everyone.

“He wasn’t going to make it out of that room alive, I think he knew that from the beginning.”

“Yeah,” May sighed, looking back at the ant, still struggling along the road. “Still sucks, though.”

Spencer grinned to himself, following the young woman’s gaze on the insect.

“Yeah, it still sucks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the last :-( Enjoy this little fluffy moment - there's a fair bit of angst in the next one, but it all ends with a smile.


	12. Part 12 - I'm not Allergic to Lilies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotch makes sure May knows that she is a valued member of the team, and Spencer finally learns about the Intern's troubled upbringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some dark content in this one, I apologise in advance. Be patient, it all works out in the end.

**Part 12**

The BAU piled back into the jet, all relieved that the case was finally over. A solemn air rested over the team as they chose their seats for the journey, and settled in for the long flight back to Quantico.

Hotch pulled May aside before she entered the aircraft, an action Spencer eyed curiously before following JJ into the plane.

“I just wanted to say thank you for your help this week, May. I daresay we would not have solved that case in time to save Charlie if not for your knowledge and input. I’m enthusiastic to see more of your talents in the field in the future.” His low voice was stern, but kind, making sure his message was knowingly heartfelt to the young woman in from of him.

“Thank you Agent Hotchner. I’m happy I could be of assistance.” May’s voice wavered, uncomfortable with the praise, and her gaze kept to the tarmac underneath her feet, praying for it to just open up and swallow her whole.

“May, look at me.” Hotch ordered firmly. “You are just as much a member of this team as everyone else. Just because you aren’t an agent _yet_ , doesn’t mean we don’t value you immensely – don’t undersell yourself.”

“Thank you, agent Hotchner.” May replied honestly, looking up at the man with gratitude. She turned to head into the waiting aircraft, everyone else already inside.

“Oh, and May?” The older man called out after her, causing her to pause mid-step on the staircase.

“Yes sir?” May replied.

“You can call me Hotch.” The man smiled warmly; his eyes crinkled with humour.

May blushed in reply, and nodded slightly, before turning and finally entering the jet. Spencer’s head shot up to meet her eyeline as he gestured towards the seat beside him. May made her way to the back corner of the jet, far away from the prying ears of the rest of the team, who seemed more interested in their entertainment of choice than the small intern.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” the young genius began in a low tone, “How did you crack the clues so quickly?”

“Spencer, I’ve heard you be called ‘boy genius’ enough times to know that you’re far from stupid. You know why I knew.”

Reid sighed in defeat; subtlety was never his strong suit.

“I suspected it when we were on the way to the first victims house, but your bargaining with the unsub this afternoon kind of confirmed it. You knew what the signs were for all of those victims because you’d lived through them yourself, didn’t you?”

May was silent for a moment, she wasn’t used to being so exposed. Another beat passed before she replied.

“Eleven years ago there was a serial killer in my home town,” The already small woman seemed to cave in even more as she relived the trauma of her preteen years. “The man who ran the local ice-rink went crazy after his child died, and he went on a rampage. He devolved so quickly that he began to shoot every child that he saw on sight, thinking it wasn’t right that they got to live when his own child didn’t.”

“I read about that case, it was just before I joined the BAU.”

“Yeah, the team solved it, they caught the guy, but he took one last victim with him at the confrontation.”

The doctor said nothing, there was nothing he _could_ say. After a moment, May continued.

“My sister was an ice-skater. She was the golden child, thirteen years old, but already on her way to the Olympics. She spent hours at that rink, skating with the owner’s daughter. She just wanted to pay her respects. He didn’t let her.”

“Your sister was the final victim.” Reid stated, more to himself than to the woman sitting beside him.

May finally turned to the agent, letting him see the wet tracks slowly making their way down her cheeks.

“I saw JJ on the news that night, the first night without Jen. She was apologising to the town, saying it was a shame they lost so many before the killer was taken down. That was the night I decided to join the BAU. I wanted to be just like the woman on TV, so kind and sweet, even though she couldn’t save them all.”

“Does JJ know this?”

“She knows that I lived in the town during the rampage. I assume she made the connection with Jen.” The intern was nonchalant, Spencer knew it was an act.

“That doesn’t explain how you knew about the victims’ actions,” Spencer pressed, trying to find the answer to his question without scaring the young woman away.

“After Jen, I was the only child,” May specified. “I wasn’t like my sister; I was weak and the kids liked to bully me – Jen was so popular. My parents were still mourning for so many years, it felt like they wished I were in Jen’s place that night, instead of her. So, I retreated, started punishing myself for making them so sad. I was too weak to cause bruises, so I used to use an old rolling pin. It’s embarrassing, but I thought if I could show them that I was hurting too, they’d let me mourn with them.”

“That’s why you could tell that the second victim’s bruises were self-inflicted.” Spencer supplied.

May nodded in agreement.

“It’s easy to see someone else’s scars when you know how to hide them yourself.”

The duo was silent after that, letting the heavy conversation drift over them like a quiet storm cloud.

Spencer reached for the intern’s hand, his own resting on top of hers as though to say, _‘I’m sorry.’_

“I can’t fix the past, May,” Spencer whispered, as he ducked his head towards the young woman so that she could hear him clearly. “But I can help to keep the future safer.”

“Oh, and May?” the genius continued, “I’m not allergic to lilies.”

May smiled softly, letting her fingers intertwine with Spencer’s lithe hand. She didn’t speak, just leant into his comforting shoulder and let her eyes drift closed. It felt so nice to finally have a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, we're at the end. Thanks for joining the journey! Let me know if you want a sequel to explore Spencer's relationship more, I know it was very mean of me to make them friends first. Thank you again for reading!


End file.
